This is dedicated to all the married couples who are enjoying their married life,all the married couples who are having a rough time and all the singles who want to get into this institution called marriage.
Please note the context of this message is based on Pastor Muriithi Wanjau & Pastor Carol Wanjau (Mavuno Church) seminar on marriage.Be blessed.
In our African society getting married was something to be proud of - a joy to the girl's parent and to the man his status has changed completely, he is now treated with respect, he is an elder.
We were all raised to be good wives and husbands emphasis on women as it was said a woman holds her home.Marriage is eternal no matter what, make it work- but how? You may ask, times have changed.
Women nowadays are educated , thanks to girl empowerment, we are now entrepreneurs, C.E.O's , employees, doctor, teachers, lawyers, name it all- we are professionals. We are financially stable and in a few cases some even earn more or contribute more than the men(the head of the house.)
So where do we draw the line?
How do we balance our career life and marriage life?
It is funny when we are single we long for the person to pop the question and we say " I do", but married people seem to encourage us to enjoy our singlehood and not rush into it. "It is not entirely a bed of roses as others perceive it"they say. If it is that bad, they themselves are not getting out of it, so why the double standard? Who is fooling who?
After hearing the sermon by Pastor M, I came to understand there are different stages in marriage. Some have grasp it and are making it work( these are the couples whom you admire and you wish you had a marriage close to that- they seem always in love), for some lets just say it is not too late we can still save our marriage. Here we go:
1. Dream Phase.
You married a dream of what you had, of what that person would be.
To most of us ladies- tall , dark and handsome. Yes he is all that, thank God. This is that stage where he carries my bag, he takes me shopping, we watch the game together. He constantly calls to see how my day is. Gifts are in handy. You are indeed in paradise or is it a dream and you don't want to wake up from it. Life is good, we are happy and I love my spouse.
Proverbs 30:18
“There are three things that are too amazing for me,
four that I do not understand:
19 the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a young woman.
four that I do not understand:
19 the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a young woman.
2. Drama stage.
This is the expectation stage.The honeymoon is over, we expect each other to take up our roles: for the man- he expects a woman to act in certain way, to dress in a certain- i mean she is married now and she has to act like one. His food has to be prepared in a certain way and served at a certain time and manner. He has waited for it for a long time and yes he expects to have sex everyday.
The woman expects the man to be the head of the house and with this he has to take control of things in the house. Bills have to be paid, Rent need to be paid, school fees, electricity, name it all.
This is where you begin to realize the things he used to do he is not doing anymore. He no longer carries your bag, your phone is not ringing any more. It might be you are paying all the bills. This is where the real you begins to come out. You feel cheated. You begin to want to change the other person, there is a lot of conflict and blaming. You get angry because your spouse is not doing what he used to do.This stage reveals our sinful nature- this is when you start seeing the temper you ignored for a bad day. Those little weird characters you thought that you would tolerate but no it is too much now.This is where you begin to wonder what you got yourself into.
Most people don't make it out of this phase and most of them end up divorced or lead a miserable life..
1 Corinthians 13:4
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
To outgrow this stage:
i) Work on yourself
ii)Pray for your spouse
(God help me understand my spouse and show me how to pray for them).
Do not quit on your marriage for even if you choose to remarry you will still go through the same phases and end up here, therefore work on what you have.
3. Discovery
This is where you understand who you really married. You start getting to know the person and appreciate who they are. You are no longer in a dream, you appreciate the real life and you understand why the other person are the way they are.
You are no longer in constant conflicts. You work together now, your focus is different now- your working through your investments, giving a better life to your family, its not all about the two of you now. Things have changed.
Ecclesiastes 4:9
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
Make time to do things together because at this stage you may easily drift apart.
E.g Pray together, have a date time alone.
Let not your focus be on children only- just think of them as tourists, entertain them well while they are with you but remember they will go away and start their own families and the two of you will end up alone.
4. Depth.
In this phase you are older now, you are a matured believer.
You are not just tolerating differences but celebrating them. There is equality in communication and the other person's opinion is usually sort at and valued. You are more mutual.
Stresses now are mainly external e.g loss of health.
This is a time of reflection- you look back at your legacy- what have you achieved?
Note that not many couples reach this stage but just remember as long as God is in your marriage you will succeed.
A cord of three strands cannot be broken.
I pray that you are blessed with this word as much as I am and just know Marriage works. You just need to realize which stage you are in and go along smoothly.
Pray. Pray. Pray.
Romans 8:37
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
With Love.
the WOMAN in me.
